I like men...

**emjen** · March 20th, 2003, 02:11 PM

How is this for an opening?

EXT. BALCONY, FLAT ? DAY

Summer. People in their summer clothes roaming around in the city, finding shelter in the shadows and air-conditioned shops.

Above it all, in a high-rised complex, are two men looking down on the street, observing the small dots representing humans.

HANS, a handsome man in his twenties, hair dyed blond and an earring with a somewhat female attitude and JEAN-CLAUDE, a broad muscular man doing his best to look man-like under his depilated eyebrows.

HANS
I just don?t like poop.

They look down, thinking.

HANS
Is that so hard to understand?

Jean-Claude spits down. They watch his mucus fall downward.

HANS
That?s groase. It might fall on someone.

JEAN-CLAUDE
It will fall apart before it crashes.

HANS
It?s still groase.

One of the dots on the street looks up. Jean-Claude grins.

HANS
So immature.

Jean-Claude rolls his eyes.

JEAN-CLAUDE
What?s your problem man? You?ve been whining all morning.

Hans takes a breath and looks at Jean-Claude.

HANS
I don?t have a problem.
Jean-Claude can see he?s lying, but leaves it.

JEAN-CLAUDE
Nobody likes poop man.

HANS
Some do.

JEAN-CLAUDE
There are always exceptions. Some also enjoy Fleetwood Mac.

HANS
Not funny.

Jean-Claude sniggers.

JEAN-CLAUDE
I still can?t see why you?re into that music.
(Imitates with high voice)
Hooooohaaaaaaahhh, I wanna be with you everywheeeeah?

HANS
You just don?t know what it?s all about.

JEAN-CLAUDE
Oh I know what it?s all about. It?s about love. All songs are about love.

HANS
(agitated)
There. You?re doing it again.

Jean-Claude rolls his eyes, anticipating a lecture.

JEAN-CLAUDE
What did I do now?

HANS
I?m not going to talk to you if you act like that.

Jean-Claude turns around, faces Hans and looks pissed.

JEAN-CLAUDE
Look Hans, I don?t care how ******* gay you are, but you?re really acting like a teenage girl going through puberty right now.

Jean-Claude walks into the apartment and grabs his coat.

JEAN-CLAUDE
I?m going to enjoy the weather. I?ll come back when you?ve sorted your poop problems out.

SLAM! The door is thrown shut.

Hans takes a seat on the rail of the balcony and looks inside. He sighs.

HANS
Wish I was a teenage girl?

Hans throws himself backwards and falls down, only to land on the balcony below.

EXT. BALCONY BELOW ? (CONT?D)

The door to the balcony is locked and blackened. Hans picks out keys, unlocks the door and walks into the apartment.

INT. APARTMENT ? (CONT?D)

Hans turns on the light. There?s a build wall in the middle of the apartment with a closet in it. It?s an empty and dark apartment, with just a few lamps, a bed and a mirror.

Hans checks himself in the mirror, fingers wet and polishing eyebrows.

He pushes against the closet ? revealing a secret doorway. Hans goes inside.

INT. SECRET ROOM ? (CONT?D)

Light goes on automaticly revealing:

Guns. Knifes. Grenades. Rifles. Body armor. Swords. Closets *****d with weapons. And a mirror.

Hans turns on the stereo. Music from te ?80?s.

EXT. PARK ? DAY

The park, full with happy people relaxing on a nice day. Jean-Claude walks through it, a bit miserable.

Someone on rollerskates skates by.

ROLLERSKATER
Chocolateknight!

JEAN-CLAUDE
**** you, man.

A man in suit and a newspaper looks at Jean-Claude on a bench. Jean-Claude takes a seat next to him.

MAN IN SUIT
That?s not your usual you.

JEAN-CLAUDE
(grouchy)
Hmm.

MAN IN SUIT
?**** you, man? was the best you could come up with?

Jean-Claude looks at the Man in suit.

JEAN-CLAUDE
**** you, man.

The Man smiles and hands over the newspaper.

MAN IN SUIT
Same as before. Same payment.

JEAN-CLAUDE
Can?t we get a raise?

MAN IN SUITE
A raise? This isn?t the local superstore you?re working in, chippendale.

JEAN-CLAUDE
Allright. When do you want it done?

MAN IN SUITE
Between now and two weeks.
JEAN-CLAUDE
What if it?s done today?

MAN IN SUITE
Then we?re all happy.

JEAN-CLAUDE
We?ll be all happy if we?d get a raise.

MAN IN SUITE
Damnit what?s with your money problem man? You?ve got more than enough.

JEAN-CLAUDE
Hans is just bitching again.

MAN IN SUITE
That?s because he is your ***** .

Jean-Claude grins.

JEAN-CLAUDE
Can?t you just ask?

MAN IN SUITE
Okay then.

Jean-Claude gets up and walks away.

JEAN-CLAUDE
And no more ******** this time.

The Man in suite watches Jean-Claude go with a filthy face.

MAN IN SUITE
******* ferrie.

INT. UPPER APARTMENT ? EVENING

Hank is making a painting when Jean-Claude enters with the paper.

JEAN-CLAUDE
(shocked)
Holy **** !

HANK
(without eyecontact)
Yeah I know it?s not the best I?ve done.

Jean-Claude makes himself comfortable at the table, reading his paper.

Hank bends his head over his painting.

HANK
I think it misses something.

Jean-Claude, sniggering, shaking his head.

JEAN-CLAUDE
?Misses something?? It could miss some of that pink.

THE PAINTING
An explosion of pink colors.

HANK
Hmm no that?s not it. I?m going accentuate the shadows a little more.

Hank starts dabbing his brush on the canvas. Jean-Claude reads the file within the newspaper.

JEAN-CLAUDE
(reading)
Hey, I like this.

HANK
(thinking)
Yeah? I think it starts looking better like this.

JEAN-CLAUDE
You know that fat gangster, Ty Bobb?

Hank turns around, thinks, and nods.

JEAN-CLAUDE
Did you know he cheated with his wife?

HANK
Does he have a wife?

JEAN-CLAUDE
His wife caught him.

HANK
No?

JEAN-CLAUDE (CONT?D)
Pretty ****** up isn?t it?

HANK
What did she do?

JEAN-CLAUDE
I don?t know.

Hank pulls a thoughtfull head and then goes back to his painting.

Jean-Claude turns the file around, and looks at some photograps. One of them makes him laugh.

HANK
(offended)
What did I do now?

JEAN-CLAUDE
We?ve got a new job. We have to kill a lepricon.

Jean-Claude waves with the photographs.

HANK
(checks the pictures)
Hey don?t call ?m that.
(flips through them)
Have we ever killed one of them?

JEAN-CLAUDE
Nay. Looks like a fun shooting exercise.

HANK
Oh have you asked him about the money?

JEAN-CLAUDE
He said he?d ask. Don?t count on it though.

**digital_biscuits** · March 20th, 2003, 02:24 PM

Some bits are cool other bits tend to drag on a bit too much. Also, if that is your opening, try not to overload the reader with characters otherwise you get confused who is saying and doing what and with who.
Also, do you want the reader/viewer to know the big guy is guy right away, is his gayness important for the narative? Maybe having him more like the James Gandofini character in The Mexican would be better.
In saying that i kept me reading and I wouldnt mind seeing more

**SoulJacker** · March 22nd, 2003, 12:25 PM

Poop-can the passive tense - Dude, that is basic stuff.

Frankly, the action is horrible.

Get. It. Sorted.

digital_biscuits is being far too kind...

[ March 22, 2003 08:25 AM: Message edited by: SoulJacker ]

**emjen** · March 22nd, 2003, 06:44 PM

digital biscuits: what bits tend to drag on too much? The conversations about bull?

souljacker: the action is horrible, but what makes it so horrible? Does it look like it's written by a monkey? Or is it something else?

Yeah and sorry about the poop thing, i just wanted to start a script with 'i just don't like poop'. Silly me.

But thanks for your replies.

And if I am going further with this, do you think it will be cooler if these two gay men are hitmen, which will cause hilarious situations with their conflicts and so on (something like a buddy movie) or will it be cooler if only one of them was a hitman and the other one doesnt know?

Thank yooo.

[ March 22, 2003 02:47 PM: Message edited by: emjen ]

**ickle_jim** · March 23rd, 2003, 11:46 AM

what sort of hilarious situations are there by having two gay hitmen? or one for that matter?

**spaceham** · March 23rd, 2003, 02:07 PM

Sounds like there's all kinds of whacky situational comedy possible here Ickle_Jim! 'Cause, you know, they're hitmen and... they're gay. That's hilarious right?

**digital_biscuits** · March 23rd, 2003, 06:13 PM

BTW: the poop thing- its a bit too Tarantino-ish, sorta like a "madona's big dick" vibe. I really thing you should avoid this, because if you are gonna do that vibe, you better be real good or people will just think you are a t1t trying to copy him.
As well surly the guys only objection to gay sex cant just be "poop"- maybe give go for the "i cant handle the idea of pounding away at an *** hairier than mine" sorta thing. I like the gay and straight hitman combo- maybe they get told to do a hit on some culumbian drug lord but the gay one has a crush on the columbian so he constantly hinders the "hit" on him- much to the dismay of his partner.

**emjen** · March 24th, 2003, 01:04 PM

ah a straight-gay combination, why haven't i thought of that?

about the 'hilarious' things, well, there are a few in my head, but one thing about gay men in******s me and that's 'hitting on another man'. That is harder than hetero man, because not only does the gay man have to attract the attention of the other guy, he has to find out wether he's gay or not as well!

The drama!

they cencored i n t r i q u e s. Did i spell that incorrectly?

[ March 24, 2003 09:05 AM: Message edited by: emjen ]